Rose Blumen ~ Exogignesthai

591. About knowledge, 1

(Rose)Nokaranlık asks me countless questions with the few words she masters, and others I translate somehow.

As we built this doll, some nostalgia shrouded me. She saw it, and she asked.

N – Ros ah do?

I smiled, and told her about the last doll I remember playing with.

It was in a very distant life.

While Blume is on her last days of incubation, I realised what was happening now with words. I’m educating Nokarlık at new speed. It’s always been there between us, but it’s very different now that words really begin to appear. They build new gates for knowledge and abstraction. An endless stream of unknown thoughts can grow.

Meanwhile we glue the muscles of the sort of salamander doll. It twitches. It’s not alive yet, but muscles can react electrically.

As we talk around it, I notice that Nok is gradually more interested about the stories I tell over the doll we craft.

That surprised me, and I began to realise that as my child listens to my voice repeating tales, they become education.

Which unsettles me.

And it makes me warry, because at no or very seldom points I saw myself and my life as a model worthy to learn from. I’ve strived to ideals I never seem to reach, and make choices painful to live with, over and over.

Her eyes gave me the shiver of what and who I am, against my ideals for myself, and for her.

More simply put, I want to teach her good values, and I’m not very confident in my ability to represent them, nor my legitimacy for that.

Blume laughed at me of course.

B – Twirl and twirl little rose, over her roots again.

I know what she means in that nonsensical mockery. And she’s right.

Time will tell. All I can do is what I believe is best.

So... I chose the slightly crude option.

I tell Nokaranlık the tales she asks for, without much reimagining, nor veils of modesty.

It hurts me, but I lay down my heart at times, over the most innocent of questions.

I tell her what happened at one time or another, and why I did one thing or another as honestly as I can.

And she listens to everything, religiously.

I teach her, with drawings, a lot of drawings, about the world geographically.

About us, about family, and a thousand other things from our past.

What was good and what was bad. I speak openly of stains that haunts me, even if she can’t comprehend them fully yet and even when that hurts me.

For now she’s eager to meet aunt or mother Blume, since she’s mostly been an elusive voice so far. She’s a presence around us that can move and grow plants, but nothing sensible.

I think Nok properly understands what it means when I spoke of death and murder.

I ached a lot, but I want truth and honesty to be high values for her.

N – Ros, wham laa est?

R – You of course! I love you so much!

N – Before?

R – Ah...

Another painful one, innocent though again.

So I swallow and do my best. And I tell her my past love stories. The ones I lost, didn’t reciprocate, quit, awfully lost, found again, and finally found anew. You.

R – It’s been a long road leading me to you my sweet Nok. And although Blume and I parted ways in the past, now we’re also together again.

Blume can hear me. I know she feels warm. Our relation had time to mature like everything else.

Over the days, I went through countless events of my life as tales for the inquisitive Nokarlık.

In between lessons I try to give her about all sorts of natural philosophies.

She absorbs everything. More than I can imagine.

I draw wings over a wall, as we chat about it. I wish I could draw Bleue’s radiant and slightly spooky smile, but I can’t.

Day after day, I found myself now talking so much and for so long that my throat hurts.

Something I’ve never known before in my countless lives.

Throat pains and tongue tiredness from talking too much.

Me? Talking so much? How curious.

We play with the salamander bones doll. We make it walk on the ground like an elaborate mechanical toy. It is fascinating to Nok, and to me. She loved it.

With Nue, they worked together to build the next level of tissues of this thing.

The cute slug now even trusts Nokarlık enough to stand on her shoulder or head.

I feel old when I see the child play in the park with her friend. So old.

But there is that peace that life goes on and grows over regardless of me now.

~

Blume emerges one day at long last. Waters are lost and she comes out from the giant petals like a modern Venus.

As she raises herself in front of me, she makes my heart skip a beat. I’m sure she noticed it.

She’s a little plump, but gorgeous to me. Golden all over. And that wink... She makes me laugh and blush.

Nokaranlık is a little spooked by the tanned lady suddenly there, and laughing in a haughty manner.

I can see her perplexed confusion and reassure her.

R – Nok, this is Blume. Say hi.

N – ... Hi...

B – Hello little one.

Blume gently shakes her hand. I see the hair on Nok’s pelt rising in a wide shiver. It’s cute, and she’s been brave.

I also fear Blume will enjoy teasing her as well...

R – You... look good.

B – You look so much older now.

I sigh at that one more than I laugh. Even my hands have begun wrinkling a little already. My hair is turning grey visibly. I’m not aging well.

Surprisingly, the first thing Blume did after her return to humanity, was to run away. She said she’ll return later and just ran off. I didn’t expect that.

Well I’m sure she’ll keep her word, so meanwhile, I tell my child more tales about Blume and I.

Many wondrous days and nights to recall for her. And a handful of dreadful ones as well. She clicks on that.

Enemies.

Nokaranlık asks me to dig up memories and craft new tales for her, about our past enemies...

I think about the one I don’t know very well...

Blume will be able to tell her perspective very well, so I’ll think instead of the other’s as best I can...

~