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Chapter17
Today is Wednesday the first day my so-called family can call. I am nervous and it's only 5 in the morning. I know I will have to keep busy today so I don't freak out. I plan on heading to the gym for a bit then I'm going to head to the beach because my mates all have work today. They will be back by 5.30 pm and have all said they will be with me for the call. I have assured them I would handle it but Levi threatened to shave my head if I wasn't careful. I'm grateful for them pushing the support because I find it hard to depend on anyone.
It's currently 5.30 am and I am dressed and heading down to chat with the social worker because sleep is overrated. Ha yeah right, what I would give to be able to sleep past 5 am. I knock on the door to the social worker's office and am greeted by a smiling Paris. "Come in Tilly my early bird," she says. Paris has two cups of coffee ready for our chat and I sit down on the couch in the room. Usually, we just chat about whatever but this morning I can't seem to think what to say. Eventually, after we have sat in silence for a good 15 minutes, Paris asks if I want to talk about what's bothering me. "Today it's the first time they can call. I have not spoken to them since like before I went into juvie. What do I even say? I don't know how I can talk to them when I don't know if I want them to know me anymore. I carried around so much hatred for what these people did. But I want to be free from that too. I want to feel nothing but I can't. I shouldn't have agreed to let them call but some part of me couldn't let go of the connection I had with Mum through them. You know?" I said.
Paris looked at me and said "Every person here wants a family connection. Someone they know loves them. All kids want their parent's love even when they know their parents are toxic. Do not think you are in the wrong. You just need to decide what you want and wanting that connection is part of the journey. I don't know everything they did to you and I'm not saying that is ok, but forgiving them is more for you than them. I don't mean to forget and get back to a normal 'father-daughter and sibling relationship', what I'm saying is establishing a relationship if that's what you want that you set the boundaries for". I nod "Use this phone call to establish what you want out of this. Set the rules and expectations of how you want this to work. Use this as a way to heal and move forward and if it isn't beneficial for you then put a stop to it" Paris says.
It's about 6.20 in the morning now, and I'm walking to the dining room when my phone buzzes with a message. 'Hi Matilda it's your favourite cousin Bryson wanting to know if you are free to meet up for lunch'. I had given Bryson my number after mediation because he said he wanted to keep in touch. It's two days after mediation and he wants to meet up. I didn't trust he wouldn't tell my family where I was going to be and at the moment I didn't know what boundaries I would be putting in place with my family so didn't want them around.
My mind was a mess and I'm glad to be seeing a psychologist tomorrow for myself before the first family session on Friday. I grabbed some breakfast before taking a seat in the dining room trying to come up with something to say to Bryson. I messaged back 'Sorry hitting the gym and taking myself to the beach for my first swim in years'. After sending the message I was joined by my mates for breakfast. They were all ready for work, Harley sat next to me and kissed me on the side of my head. "So Miss Thing what are your plans for the day?" Brad asked. "Heading to the gym to work off some of this anxiety and then heading to the beach for my first swim. You guys will be sweating it out at work and I'll be sweating it out on the beach" I laughed.
My phone buzzed on the table indicating I had another message that read 'I could meet you at the beach if you wanted'. I honestly didn't know if it was a good idea. "Bryson wants to meet at the beach," I said. "Do you want to?" Asked Harley. "I don't trust he won't tell everyone and I'm not ready to have them all in my life. He was a kid like me and he never hurt me physically, but what's to stop everyone else turning up?" I replied. "So tell him that. You don't owe any of them anything. You have a right to speak your mind regardless of how they feel about it. If you offend them so be it" Levi said. I knew they were right, but I was glad they spoke it for me. I text Bryson back saying exactly that.
We all left together with me heading to the gym for the morning to train and my mates to work and agreed to meet back at the Addison at 5.30 pm to grab dinner and get ready for the call. On the way to the gym, Bryson messaged again 'I swear it will just be me coming. Sian wanted to meet too but if you aren't ready for that I'm happy just to come alone. I would never tell your brothers and father where we were unless you wanted me to. I know they hurt you and you don't want them in your life but that doesn't mean we can't have a relationship does it?'
I was walking to the gym and had to stop to think about it and what Paris said to me. I decided that I would meet with him. This was his one chance to be in my life and if he told anyone then I would cut him off and remove him from my life again. I messaged him back saying I would let him know when I was on my way to Coogee Beach so we could meet. I headed into the gym and spent a few hours boxing to burn off some of the anxiety. Around lunch time I decide to head to the beach. I quickly rinsed off in the showers at the gym and got myself ready for the beach, then messaged Bryson when I was on the bus. Here goes nothing.